


An Assassin, But I Want to Love

by ironicbleu



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Gen, Homophobia, M/M, Secret Relationship, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:15:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25950454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironicbleu/pseuds/ironicbleu
Summary: Nagisa Shiota is in a secret relationship with his classmate Karma Akabane. He must keep it a secret from his controlling and unaccepting mother.
Relationships: Akabane Karma/Shiota Nagisa (mentioned)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60





	An Assassin, But I Want to Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this was originally a vent fic from a few years ago but I like it enough to post it. As always, comments and feedback are appreciated! Thank you!
> 
> This isn't beta'd so if there are any mistakes please let me know.
> 
> (TRIGGER WARNING: Abusive mother, homophobia, suicidal ideation.)

Even a half-witted idiot in E-Class could see that something wasn’t right about Nagisa’s home life. Something, lots of things, beneath the surface were askew. A scratch on the disk, a fray in the knot. Lots of scratches, lots of frays. It lied in the way Nagisa’s mother carried herself. Her two-faced personality. Loving and kind and understanding, but on the flip side, terrifying and raging and explosive, a bomb about to detonate without a timer. 

Nagisa lived in constant fear of when that bomb would detonate.

E-Class was Nagisa’s safe space. Free from the prying eyes of his mother, free from the heavy, heavy air of anxiety and stress that enveloped him when he stepped inside his house. E-Class was full of friends, people he could trust, people he  _ wanted _ to trust and open up to. E-Class was where he bonded with Karma, and where Nagisa found a key piece of his life, someone he felt safe with and comfortable with and whom he felt like he could be vulnerable around -- a feeling he’d never felt towards anyone else. A feeling his mother had taught him to never feel.

Nagisa spent a lot of time at Karma’s place. Karma was safe. Karma’s parents, granted that they were home, were kind and laid back. Nothing like Nagisa’s mom. He was surprised parents like that actually existed.  _ Karma, your parents don’t stalk you? Your parents don’t obsess over you? Your parents don’t control you or yell at you or guilt you or--? _

It came as a surprise to Nagisa. A genuine, melancholic surprise. 

Nagisa had never had the fortune of a parent he could confide in. Exposing his mistakes, his feelings, anything to his mother resulted in a number of things that Nagisa came to regret immediately. Over time, he learned to keep his mouth shut. Unfortunately for him, despite his efforts to remain secretive, that didn’t stop his overbearing mother from pestering him with a constant barrage of very personal questions.

“Nagisa dear, come to my room. I’d like to talk with you.”

Nagisa felt like ripping his heart out right then and there. This was never good. Private talks with his mother resulted in breakdowns, stress, tears and blood. They were never a good thing. Despite the numerous times this had been an occurrence, Nagisa had still never quite figured out how to brace himself.

His mother took Nagisa’s hands in hers. “Have you and Karma…” she began, but backtracked. “Do you have  _ special _ feelings for your friend Karma, Nagisa?”

Nagisa’s organs jumped up his throat. “Mom, you know I like girls--”

“Nagisa, don’t give me that tone,” she snapped. “You and Karma seem awfully close. Boys your age don’t typically be as affectionate as you two are. It’s kind of  _ weird _ , you know.”

“I just like having someone close to me, that’s all,” Nagisa defended. “Hugs are nice.”

“Then why don’t you ever let me touch you?” his mother whined. “You always flinch away from me.”

_ Because you hurt me and never respect my boundaries.  _ “Sorry.”

“Nagisa, your hands are sweating. Are you lying to me?” she prodded, her voice raising.

“No, Mom. I like girls. Karma is just my close friend and we feel comfortable around each other,” Nagisa insisted. “There’s nothing between us.”

His mother’s face softened. “Dear, you know you can tell me anything. I’m your mother. You can trust me. You don’t have to be scared of me.”

Nagisa felt his heart pulse with anger. “Yeah. I know. I’d tell you if there was anything, but there’s not, so…”

She smiled. “Alright dear. I just wanted to make sure.”

As quickly as he could, Nagisa left her room and locked himself in his bathroom. He knew he’d never be safe here, never be happy here, as long as his mom was keeping this up. What kind of two-faced liar was she, to tell him so sweetly that he could trust her, while putting him down and yelling at him and touching him and hurting him and constantly constantly  _ constantly _ doing things to break his trust?

He wanted to fight back, to let the tears from his anger speak for him, to tell her that her actions speak louder than words, but he couldn’t do that. He had to love her. He had to treat her with respect even though she gave him none.

Nagisa wanted to die. He was tired of living like this. He was tired of hiding his relationship with Karma. He was tired, tired of everything, tired of being awake and existing. The future seemed dim. He saw no hope in what laid ahead of him.

He’d be better off dead, he thought.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Want to keep up with my writing? Have any requests or want to work together?
> 
> Feel free to contact me at @owarinotenshi on Twitter!


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